Waiting

Months went by, the summer flew by. Still no baby. A tipping point came in August, the 4-month marker, we weren’t 60% of couples. I had seen my doctor, who I LOVED, at the beginning of the month. I was in tears, because I cannot go to a hospital and not cry. The last time I went to a doctor and didn’t cry was when I was 21 and the most handsome doctor was removing a wart on my toe. He TOTALLY hit on me and it seemed the wrong time to cry. Anyways, my favorite doctor sat with me and my app and told me exactly what days to have sex, and what days K should “reload.” Through my tears, I held back my immature laughter. She also told me that every time she saw a patient and gave them advice, they got pregnant. She told me to text her when the test came back positive. I came home that day with a plan.  I took a test 5 days before and it came back negative, and instead of trying again and again I decided to accept the loss right then and there, on my 28^th birthday. But this month turned out to be different. This time my period was 3 days late and on top of that I was feeling nauseous. Maybe I would get the most amazing birthday present. Spoiler alert, I didn’t.

We were in Bend, Oregon with K’s family for their annual family reunion. On the third day of my period being late, I woke up nauseous. We woke up early to summit Mt. Bachelor. K, his dad, and I planned to hike to the top. Oh, my, gosh. It was a challenge. I stopped a couple times thinking I would puke, I didn’t! We made it to the top and I have never felt prouder of my body. I took of my shirt for a picture! I was tough and pushed myself. My body was amazing.

As soon as we made it to the bottom of the mountain, we went straight to the store to get a pregnancy test. I just knew it would be positive. My body was amazing! We were meeting K’s family for lunch, which was right next to the store so we popped over and I ducked into the bathroom. K waited outside for me. I took the test and placed it back in the wrapper so we could share the moment together. We wanted a baby. I wanted this to be a “we” experience. It was negative. My body shook with sobs I wouldn’t let myself release, because we were meeting his family just feet away at the restaurant. Luckily it was sunny, and we were eating at a brewery. Sunglasses on, pint in one hand, K’s hand in another, we joined the group and laughed about the day’s adventures. A little piece inside me broke. I thought getting pregnant would be easy.

Everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant or having babies. I felt proud of myself that I didn’t let this bother me, too much. I celebrated with friends and family and liked MANY Instagram pictures. Each time was like a little pat on the back that I wouldn’t let my life interrupt how I chose to feel about others’ lives. As my brother quoted, “comparison is the thief of joy.” I had little baby joy of my own to give away, so there was no way I was going to compare. No Instagram picture was going to steal my joy. I was happy for them.

We didn’t get pregnant in September. I didn’t get to announce a pumpkin coming in October. In November, when we went home to my parent’s house for Thanksgiving, I bawled like a baby in my mom’s arms when my period started on Thanksgiving Day. I wanted to give them a grandchild! I wanted a baby! I drank really nice wine and played cards with my family. I drank nice wine and spent time with my dad. I told him we were trying really hard. I told him I loved him. I drank more wine.

December did not bring a baby. But it did bring more pregnant people into my world. I was so excited to shop for gifts for expecting moms. There is the cutest baby stuff, I say stuff because it can’t be necessary, but it is so cute! I drank quite a bit during the holidays, because I could. I cried a lot because I missed my mom and dad, but I am an emotional human so that wasn’t too out of the ordinary. K was supportive and amazing as always. I will need to write a whole book about him and his constant support. The day after Christmas, K and I made appointments with doctors. We were past the 80% and heading towards the 90% and I needed some kind of control back. Yes, I am emotional and controlling, do with that what you will.

In January I got to meet my new doctor. She walked into the room and she was pregnant. I burst into tears. “I’m so happy for you” I squeaked out. She held my hand and gave me a box of tissues. She ordered all the blood work, she looked at all of the data Ava had been collecting, she gave me hope and a referral to a reproductive clinic. My doctor told me that I would get pregnant. She also told me that she didn’t think it was me. This was a weird and uncomfortable relief. Apparently, it is much easier to get a fertile woman pregnant then a not fertile woman pregnant. It is less invasive if the woman is not the problem. I have been a problem for many reasons in my life, but today my ovaries were not going to be a problem. If it wasn’t me though, then it was my best friend.

I was a bit anxious to talk to him that night. I cried, of course, and quickly told him the last part so he could relay what my doctor said to his doctor. K melts my heart often, and when I shared this news with him it was no exception. K was relieved that it was him and his fear was that I would resent him. How in the world could I resent him? He is supportive and positive, he is kind and caring, he supplies endless amounts of good wine, and to top it all off he is the love of my life. He started cracking jokes about his future date with a cup. I love this man.

In February, K saw his doctor, who referred him to a clinic to have his sperm tested. I sat with him as he called to make his appointment. The nurse politely told him to ejaculate 5 days prior to the appointment and we both silently giggled. We cracked jokes about K being busy on Monday because he had to ejaculate. “Sorry dad, I can’t go fishing, I have to ejaculate.” “Sorry, I won’t be able to make the meeting, I have to ejaculate.” Then Monday came. I wont share K’s experience, because I expect that he will. I loved my husband on Monday in a way that I never had before. I can only imagine how uncomfortable he must have been. I love how brave and supportive he is. I love this man.

Now we are waiting for results. 5 to 7 business days until we have more control and can start a new plan. Now, we are waiting. We are continuing to wait, hoping that the next chapter will provide us with a better idea of what comes next. What less than 10% of couples go through to have a baby. Because, we want a baby.

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